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My latest research on Emotion Regulation in Couples has just been published with @SpringerNature in Contemporary Family Therapy Journal – https://rdcu.be/deI2L

https://www.stephilareine.com/2023/06/navigating-betrayal-in-love-a-guide-for-rebuilding-trust-respecting-boundaries-and-rekindling-intimacy.html

https://lifestyle.livemint.com/relationships/it-s-complicated/how-monogamy-is-being-questioned-111673600766703.html

My latest research on Couple Therapy has just been published with @SpringerNature in Contemporary Family Therapy Journal. Read here: https://rdcu.be/cQR6A

https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-causes-contempt-in-relationships/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/are-you-losing-you-in-the-relationship-enmeshment-detachment-and-differentiation/

Originally published @ https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/

Has this happened to you? You’re enjoying takeout from your favorite place and remark, “This restaurant food is good, isn’t it?” Your partner replies, “You have never appreciated my cooking.” Or you express your opinion like, “We need a vacation. It’s been long since we went out together” and it is met with “What should I do to make you happy? Do you want me to quit my job?” You feel perplexed and try to defend yourself, but it only seems to escalate the conflict. 

Sometimes you wonder what you said wrong? Was it your words or context? Something seems to be upsetting your partner and you don’t know what. Over time, as talking does not lead anywhere other than conflict, you give up. You focus instead on something else, be it work, house chores, or scrolling social media. Though within you crave your partner’s companionship, it seems like it is an impossible feat to achieve.

WHAT HAPPENED?

What possibly happened here is your partner has built up resentments and is stuck in negative sentiment override. Couple interactions are influenced by sentiment overrides as theorized by Weiss. In essence, the residual emotions from every interaction (could be words, gestures, facial expression, or body language) accumulate over time, becoming a new dimension of the relationship that derails the objectivity of the current interactions. Your partner silently harbors the emotions of feeling unimportant, unwanted, or uncared for and now perceives everything said with a negative filter. This might come as a shock to many partners as they do not seem to recall anything that they said or done to cause their partner’s underlying wrath.

This resentment, however, happened the times you were late when they eagerly waited for you; you unintentionally exposed their personal information to friends; or, you ignored things and activities that they see as a priority again and again. Your partner may have voiced their concern gently and perhaps you brushed it away as you had your reasons. As time went on, they retreated, feeling their concern is futile, which probably went unchecked as well. Now your partner is resentful and bitter and displays criticism and contempt for everything you say. If the situation persists for long, as multiple attempts to build a normal conversation go nowhere, you may also eventually wind up in negative sentiment override. A vicious cycle results, where any attempt to converse seems a mountainous task.

RESEARCH ON SENTIMENT OVERRIDE

Dr. John Gottman and his team studied 96 newlywed couples and observed this phenomenon where observers coded discussion differently from that of partners in a conflict situation. Partners perceived the interactions negatively though it did not appear negative to the researchers.

However, in some couples, the interaction went another way, where neutral and low-intensity negative messages were interpreted positively. In the above two examples, the partner would have responded positively like “I know you love this restaurant” or “I miss our vacations too, so we should plan one soon.” Here there was a positive sentiment override where the partner attended to the neutral comment positively. 

Negative sentiment override was observed more in distressed couples, while positive sentiment override was predominant in non-distressed couples. The distressed partners perceived the messages negatively even when their partners shared neutral or positive behaviors. These patterns along with other destructive patterns like The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling) and Emotional Disengagement (as observed in other longitudinal studies by Dr. Gottman) continued to keep the couples in the status quo of distress.

HOW DO YOU BREAK THIS PATTERN? 

Here are some ways as suggested by Dr. John and Julie Gottman to get out of this cycle.

Communicate to Listen. Your partner has emotional injuries. “You did not stand up for me with your parents!” “You weren’t there for me when I was sick!” “First year of our marriage you belittled me in front of my parents!” Now, these hurts from the past become a perceptual filter through which your partner evaluates you. Talk about these concerns until your partner feels heard and healed.

Keep the Four Horsemen at bay. The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse are destructive to any relationship. Though these patterns are used as defense mechanisms many times, the words said leave back a deep scar. Rather than the root issues (e.g., feelings of unheard, rejection, loneliness, etc.) that need healing, the words of defense take the center stage in the conflict. The sore root feelings remain unaddressed, while the couples feel lost in endless bouts of arguments. Share these deeper feelings and needs instead of unleashing the Horsemen. 

Accept Responsibility. Focus on the vulnerabilities rather than the logic of the argument. There is no right or wrong in the relationship. It is only the feelings that matter. Hear and understand. Accept responsibility for the part played by you that hurt your partner. Heal their wounds with acceptance and empathy.

Self-Soothe. Take a break for 30 minutes when flooded until you feel calmer. Words said in stress only cause escalation. Even if you walk away to avoid stressing situation, it can be misread as left stranded. Keep your partner informed that you are stressed and need a break and let them know when again you can continue the discussion to give it closure. Let your partner know about your vulnerability so that they can understand it is as important to you as to them. Also, set a time to reconnect.

FINAL THOUGHT

It can be overwhelming to break through the negative sentiment override and restore a functional conversation with your partner. Let a mental health professional help you.  

References

Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. https://doi.org/0.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton.

Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38(2), 143–158. https://doi.org/10.1111/J.1545-5300.1999.00143.X

Originally published at https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-grief-of-an-affair/

Read part one of this two-part article: How Do Affairs Happen?

The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.

The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:

DENIAL

The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing (Read further about the betraying partner’s struggles in the article, “How Do Affairs Happen?”). The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.

ANGER

The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.

BARGAINING

The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.

DEPRESSION 

Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD. 

1. Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.
2. Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.
3. Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.
4. Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.
5. Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.
6. Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.
7. Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.

Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.

FINAL THOUGHT

An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.

References:

Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x

Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.

Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief